


A day in the life of the Beacon Hills stoner

by ShannonXL



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-16 23:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1365151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShannonXL/pseuds/ShannonXL
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Does what it says on the tin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A day in the life of the Beacon Hills stoner

I have no idea what time it is when I wake up, because the clock is upside-down. I scratch my balls first thing, because I slept _el nude_ last night and they’re feeling a little tingly. Like that time I shaved them into a smiley-face, only less. I assume it’s not too late because nobody’s called asking where I am and why I’m late, so good news.

Breakfast is Cheetoes and it's AWESOME. I dip them in chocolate milk and light up while I’m gnoshing. I watch the news because the news is actually super interesting, screw what all those Debbie Downers have to say. For example, there are animal attacks, like, all the time! There’s some serious animal kingdom shit being reported on the news. That’s amazing! Who doesn’t want to hear about random claw marks on cars and how it’s not safe to go out at night? Movies aren’t this good. Breakfast is good. 

It’s hecka cold outside so I grab like three scarves. I look in the mirror and I suspect I resemble that Lahey kid (Ivan? Isley? something trendy like that), only I think I look better. There is some Cheeto dust on my ‘stache, but that’s just food for later. I feel like I never see that kid around anymore, which blows cus I have no idea where the graveyard is, and I left a stash in a tree there once thinking I could just follow him back. I figure, squirrels do it, so why can’t I? I later discovered that squirrels frequently lose things. I have no idea where these scarves came from. Also where are my keys?

After about an hour I find my keys. I left them in the pocket of my other pants. Duh!

I’m sort of late for work but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. On the way I pass Derek Hale. He’s got this wicked killer Halloween costume on. There’s blood all over him and his clothes are all torn up, those abdominal injuries look totally real! I just admire his dedication. I wave at him, but he only grunts at me. Such dedication. Dang. He just looks so sad all the time, but I feel like the holidays really bring out the best in him. I bet he’d be freaking fun to smoke a bowl with. I should call him. That would be super chill. My phone starts ringing, like it knows I’m thinking about it. Maybe it’s psychic! It’s something! My boss is definitely mad though. 

It’s not like being a janitor at a high school is that big a deal. These kids are serious vandals though. How do you even get blood on a ceiling? That must take effort. The principal keeps saying I’m the best there is, which is kind of cool, except I think he means it in a mean way. Like I’m the best there is because nobody else wants to be a janitor at Beacon Hills high school. And granted, there’s weird clumps of fur in half of the lockers, and that time they tore a sink out of the wall really sucked, but then I brought in a slip n’ slide and it was mostly fun. Just kind of cold, and I smelled like the inside of a freezer for a couple of days. But I guess since nobody wants to do the job, I’m the best there is, so I probably can’t get fired for being late. Or really high. I’m surprised there’s no mandatory drug testing. 

Today I find arrows in the parking lot. I think I’ll save them for my Game of Thrones marathon.

Speaking of arrows. I wonder where that Jackson kid went.

This sounds like it would be super disgusting, and it kind of is, but the cafeteria has these waffle machines (THE BEST EVER), and if you mix some sugar and some legumes into the liquid waffle, and then put in in the machine and press it into waffle waffle, you get this weird like, filling of a Reeses cup flavor. And then you add chocolate and coffee and applesauce and bananas and more nuts and peanut butter and maybe some marshmallows if you’re feeling groovy and then you put another waffle on top of it, and you’ve pretty much got all the food in the world you’ll ever need. It gives me a weird food baby though. And gas.

I wave to Scott McCall when I see him. I don’t think he knows me, but he’s pretty charming, so I always wave. He smiles. Probably not at me. Probably at the awesome girl behind me. But I feel super anyway. I am the president of his fan club. 

I feel like a Ghostbuster, swaggering down the halls in my jumpsuit. It’s a pretty great day, but someone’s about to ruin it. Coach is on a rampage again. And when he’s on a rampage he can’t really see and had to tell someone about something with a very loud voice and he usually does it at me. This time it’s a rant about physics. I think he’s just angry because I hid a bunch of balls in his office. Like. A lot of balls. All of the balls. 

And some fish. But that was mostly because I forgot about the fish when I was getting all the balls. Lots and lots of balls. 

I do not think he knows it was me. 

Anyway coach thinks he is in a prank war with some teenagers, but there’s not really a war. I just don’t appreciate all the homework he gives his class. I never had a class with him. I did not go to this school. So that makes sense. I just really dislike homework. Like. You’re either at home, or at work. You should never cross the streams. 

Derek Hale left some bloodstains in the parking lot, but I kind of don’t wanna clean them up, they look cool, so I just leave them and clock out early. I take a nap, because it’s not safe to drive while sleepy, and when I wake up I realize I’m not in my car. Whoops. Sorry, owner of the blue Jeep. You car smells like death. And purple kush now. The first one’s on you. The second one’s on me. thank god it rained though, I did not want to get in trouble over that blood. 

 

Wait. Isn’t Halloween in October?

 

Aw man, I have no idea what month it is. Awesome. 

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently this is how I vent.


End file.
